French Mr. Hands and The Iceing Boss
Part of the Daily Crumb Oddstories collection
The TV was buzzing earlier, but we finally got it fixed. We hit it with a piece of the ceiling and the weather man appeared.
"Hello....Today in the news........." He paused.
Sennheiser was in the corner winding up his stomach clock.
The weather man had a finger to his ear, "It has just been confirmed. Today and for the rest of our lives it is going to be boiling hot."
I wondered for a moment why the weather man was crying. I also wondered why my fingers were blue.
"It was that cake you had earlier, the iceing boss," said Sennheiser still winding, a tick tick tick in the background.
HOLD ON! I ran to my library and pulled out a dusty book, placing it onto a wide polished desk.
Sennheiser followed me in complaining that id never told him about the room before. I threatened to kill him and he was a bit quieter.
The Iceing Boss! I said to him.
A mythic story involving a creature made of secondhand slices of bacon, rather fat and pig like. Because no one ever wanted to cook him he took revenge on planets by pushing boiling suns towards them.
Just as the populations of the planets cried their last tear he would talk to them on the loud speaker about his lonely childhood. How all the other slices got cooked, but he was just left to turn rotten.
"Is that one written by you?" Sennheiser asked.
No, it was given to me by an old friend. His name was French Mr. Hands. He used to read me the stories when i was an orphan.
"When were you an orphan? In the blubbet story you said you had a mother."
A time, a dark time.... literally.
French Mr. Hands was my mothers best buddy, he had told me about the Blubbets earlier on. But one day while she was cooking French Mr. Hands told me a black hole appeared in the kitchen.
He said he tried to rescue her but it was to late, my mother was pulled into the black pit of darkness.
"But the police found out he'd murdered her?"
No... they knew there was a high chance of black hole appearence in the area. So he took me in as his own son.
You know what Sennheiser...
I think he murdered her.
None the less he moved on, he owns a tourist space ferry. He flies from planet to planet staring out to the many moons and stars.
Sennheiser hit the TV with the ceiling part again.
"It is confirmed, the sun is moving towards us, very fast. This, is the end of the world."
Sennheiser was shocked, "It's like you said Nathan! Like your book!"
What can a tiny newspaper writer like me do about the end of the world?
"What does it say at the end of the book? How did they defeat the Bacon Iceing Boss?"
I flicked through the pages of the book till i came across the last dusty page.
It says the planet was burnt away and the Iceing Boss' space ship crashed into it cooking him to death.
Just like he had always wanted.
"So it's a happy ending then." Sennheiser was obviously being sarcastic.
Hold on, the door knocked.
I opened it to see a very old friend, FRENCH MR. HANDS!!!!!
Sennheiser got the shotgun out behind me. What are you doing here French?
"Well i was watching you through the window and noticed you had heard of the problem with earth."
He held his arm out, the flesh was bubbling repeatedly. He didn't seem to mind.
French Mr. Hands wore a straw hat and a bow tie. He had a grey beard with thorns in it and some slippers (in the beard).
I did! It is the story of The Iceing Boss.
"You remembered your childhood books!"
Yes... now what can we do about it?
"Nothing, i just wanted to be with the only person i could say was family for the end of the world."
Oh... well ok. I'll make some hot chocolate.
Sennheiser picked the book up in discust, "You two! You are the only people on earth who know whats happening up there! You must be the only two who can stop it!"
French Mr. Hands laughed and then stopped laughing.
Sennheiser, theres nothing we can... i paused when i noticed a black dot growing behind him.
What is that?
"A black hole," French Mr. Hands replied. "RUN EVERYONE!"
As i turned i noticed at the corner of my eye the feet of Sennheiser being sucked into the hole. NOOOOOOOOO!!!
He was gone, and the black hole was growing.
French Mr. Hands and I closed the front door behind us. It was so hot, above us we could only see a bright, blinding white.
but soon it went dark when the black hole sucked us up. Like a black shade over something so bright. (obviously)
There, in front of me was The Iceing Boss. A thousand slices of rotten bacon stuck to make up a fat lump of creature.
"What are you doing on my ship?"
Well... the black hole, it sucked us up here.
"And why are you writing down every word i say on that laptop?"
I'm a journalist.
And you HAVE TO STOP THIS! I KNOW YOU WERE NOT APPRECIATED IN CHILDHOOD BUT .......
I had the greatest man in the world to help me.... French Mr. Hands.
I pointed to the great man beside me.
"That's right Iceing Boss, i can look after you. Just like you are my own ugly son." French Mr. Hands said.
I was happy, then i saw The Iceing Boss was happy as well.
The ship was turned around and i was sent back home with Sennheiser, AND my mother.
So she was not murdered after all, and everything worked out just fine.
French Mr. Hands is doing what he does best, babysitting and The Iceing Boss has a father.
The sun was moved back into position and the world was saved.
Apparently clocks attract black holes so i sent a messege to the prime minister asking for all of them to be removed.
He didn't reply, he's no Tony Blair.
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