Today in the news a bald man, no i have done that one. Sennheiser! Get the book of 'Today in the News'.
Gosh it is dusty isnt it. See the monkeys used to give me the 'Today in the News' but now they're dead i am really not sure. So what have we got here, jelly babies, have we done jelly babies Sennheiser?
"I'm not sure sir, i am new here."
Right, adam phillips, typos, tony blair, Artistic Bzap Film School' of Hoyton Finacliff, Elephant and Goobus, oh god that was when we all died. Page 7,346. Blank! What? Why is it blank Sennheiser?
"I'm not sure sir, it says notebook on the front. Do you think the monkeys made the news up as they went along?"
Those wretched little creeps! Never will i ever hire another monkey! You know Sennheiser, i have known so many people through this job. I remember when the Daily Crumb was a huge studio, blocks of humans at desks. Well that is where it all started. Then there was that case of the man attacked by magpies in a custard factory. We lost a bit of cash and staff, had to move to a small building.
Thats when most of it happened, i was working with my good friend Vector. I sure do miss that guy, we hired many monkeys to help write the daily news. We also teamed up with Tony Blair until his very end, pass the cannibal days and the film making.
Then one day, the society thought we were making the news up. Well we were, we always have been but they took it personally and came at us with pitchforks and flaming sticks. Brought down our building, killed a certain Adam Phillips who i believe was only visiting.
Justin, a young member of staff died, got pushed out of the door and into the riot crowd, heard he was eaten alive.
I soon had nothing, vector left after a death scare and the monkeys ran off somewhere. Even the police were after me.
There was a while of laying low, sitting in the sewers and eating rotten rat meat.
"Sir, the doors just gone."
"The door.. it just went."
Where did it go?
"Nowhere... someone is at the door."
Then why'd you say that it went?
"Because thats what you say when the phone or alarm go on, they've just gone."
No we dont.
"The phones just gone."
Who was it?
"See! You understood me!"
Right right... go get the door while i continue my story.
So i found a small cottage with a few rooms, set up offices and called up the crew. Old Vector and the monkeys... its... sad to think they're all dead now.
Every single one....
"He says his name is Vector."
Tell him we're not interested!
So we started making online videos until one day vector was crushed by a box... We were also sent on a journey to the antarctic just to collect the audio for Adam Phillips Waterlollies. I am not sure how that works because the last time we saw him he was dead.
So i have got Vectors ashes sat on my shelf in a jam jar after the box crushed him. The monkeys bodies remain in the wreckage of the flooded studio as well as old Happy Frowns. Happy Frown was a nice guy, didnt get mentioned much in writing but ill miss him. I'll miss all of them, just a wonderful studio, such a fantastic team.
But they all drowned by the hands of Goobus. Goobus tears flooded them , locked doors... if only there was an elephant there to scare him away. But there was not.
"Some big head, I sent him on his way. dont worry."
big brain + expanding head = BIG BRAIN = Vector.
What did you say his name was?
"Bernard or something."
Oh... must have imagined you said Vector
you must have"
- The Daily Crumb