Today in the news twenty men squashed to death by elderly woman. Twenty men in south London were minding their own business today when a little old lady named "Old Granny Posthouse" drove a steamroller over them.
The woman was not arrested as she is old and did not know what she was doing.
Old Granny Posthouse was last seen in the bakery section at Sainsburies. We caught up with her there.
"One minute they were there, the next they were gone!" - Old Granny Posthouse
You'd run over them with a steam roller.
"No, the cheesy bread. It was here this morning, now its all sold out. Steam roller you say? I have one of those. Was stolen earlier today by this little kid."
BREAKING NEWS! So the 'old lady' that ran over the men was actually a boy thief dressed as a woman!
"Oh no no no. I was angry that the boy stole my steam roller so i battered him with a rolling pin and dragged his floppy weak body into a dustbin. Bloody mess. Then i drove home."
With the steam roller?
"Well yes, i can't drive cars anymore love, i'm just too old for that now."
So you killed the twenty men on the way back without noticing?
"I never killed no men, though that zebra crossing was a bit bumpy. Felt like a bunch of men dressed in black and white business suits."
Find out more information on this disaster event on page 32, or check out Old Granny Posthouses twitter updates.
In other news Tamsim Pakes, professional receptionist at Colony Bank Universe claims she saw WANTED criminal Reeta Lota Choclit pass through at super human speed. CCTV footage proves that something came in, but it may have just been a bird.
Douglas Thomas asks us what Colony Bank Universe actually does. We tell him they look after your money and send promises of taking every customer to the moon. When it is possible.
"This is a disgrace. They are promising trips to the moon and taking peoples monkey. They are liars and thieves and they smell very much like sloppy lumps of poo."
It has since been revealed that Douglas did not realise we make everything up here at The Daily Crumb.
The cake festival is on in the small village of Censonton in north Bromworth. Senheiser Perkings is at the scene.
"It's an amazing scene down here Crumb. Every single person in this arena is excited. I can see the sweat dripping and the water bottles drowning away. It is going to be an amazing few weeks. We can clearly see that now.
As you can tell i have to shout because of the loud crowds, everyone is amazed at the turn out. It is going to be a wonderful evening. I do believe the players are getting changed, ready to get out here at go for it!"
Are you sure you are at the cake festival?
"Yes! And the crowd is going wild! The players are walking out now. Waiting in a line. They are all standing next to eachother. This is going to be brilliant.
Silence.. aHH! And off they go! All wet already, soaring through. Can they make it in time? Argentina is going for the win. England very close being."
Yeah i'm pretty sure you are not at the cake festival now. cya!
The Daily Crumb
Journalists across the world waiting for a horrible disaster so we can report it first!