Saturday, December 03, 2016

Nathan of Crayblock (A Short Story)

Someone turned the music off... while I was still listening to it. It was a really good song, one of those ones that prepares your ears for a smooth transition into something quite delightful. But anyway, that's all gone. I hope I don't get a headache from that abrupt ending. All I could hear now was an icecream van play tunes in the distance.

Usually, I'd get pretty excited about that. ICECREAM! But you know, I can tell by the drifting melody that I'd never reach it in time. I'd run and run and I'd just see it soar off around some side street. Just like every single day when I miss the bus.
Anyway, someone turned the music off. Actually, I was alone. So no one there actually could have done it. My wifi was still connected so that was not at fault. I put total blame on Spotify! Of course I do. They probably wanted to throw an advert in there, begging me to give them some real moneys. The advert most likely glitched out and boom! music stopped.
But no, I was wrong.

Actually, I was right. The internet just cut a bit and then the music started again. Ha, I made that all sound way dramatic. It really was not that dramatic. But it did make me realise one, very important thing. I really wanted icecream.
So I went outside my house, locked the door behind me, realised I'd forgotten my money, went back in.... out again. Blah Blah Blah. The sun was going down now so it was like, URH Soon I won't be able to see. I was wearing my glasses you see, (Get it, SEE). Anyway, they are really old, I'd had them since I was like 12. Because of this, the lenses were incorrect for my deteriorating eyeballs. I usually wore updated contact lenses. But that day, I was slack.

And I heard this manic laughing come from behind me. It was from the house behind me (Which was mine because I was out the front of my house). But then I realised it was actually coming from the house BEHIND MY house. I made that uneventful event sound way too eventful.

I thought, that's odd. Who on earth would laugh so loudly and so embaressingly?
Then a man ran out from behind, laughing. I could tell from his laugh that he was from New Zealand. Though, that may have been the background sound of the icecream van's song mixing with the sound waves of his roaring screams (of fun). I'm getting off topic... AND FAST.

He stopped when he saw me, stopped laughing.. and stopped running. Stopped dead in his tracks and pebbles went in his sandles. He was going to regret not slowing down at a nice calm pace once that pebble started irrtating his foot. I did not say anything about the pebble, it was not my place to start stressing people out with nonsense ramblings.
"DIDN'T YOU HEAR? GOD'S JUST APPEARED! IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS!" Whoa! He screamed in my ear. He seemed delighted actually.
"Hi, I'm Nathan." I said cautiously.
"Hi.. Um yeah, no I'm going to get icecream."
"Well, I've got icecream. Why don't you come in my house?" He asked.
"No. I... No, I don't go in strangers houses. What do you mean, God has appeared?"
"It's all over the news! It's on the BBC News! It's on the CNN and the SKY Sports News! It's on ITV and ABC and The Daily Mail! and all the important ones and NONE of the fake news sites."
"Now listen here, strange man that lives in the house behind my house... You standing here telling me that God has appeared and that it's not on any fake news sites is the equivalent of me actually reading a FAKE news site."
"Hey mate, I'm just trying to help. No need to get all up in my face about it. I was an Atheist yesterday and now I definitely believe in the letter A. AND GOD."

He was breathing heavily, his eyes were getting larger and larger, but not in any inhuman way. Don't get me wrong, you've most likely seen someone act like this before. He wasn't alien or anything. He was just your regular run of the mill crazy person. Uh.. from New Zealand. I'm not going to make any jokes about New Zealand people, they made that wonderful King Kong movie so no faults I say!

"So what did the newspapers say about God then?" I asked.
"Not the newspapers. This is very recent. The newspapers won't get the news until tomorrow." he replied.
"Oh yeah. Ok, So what did the online news say?" But before he could acknowledge what I'd said, he was off on another one...
"Oh no.. there it is again...." He started getted sidetracked. His pupils were dancing up and down... and his ears were twitching!" (Not streaming)
"What?" I asked.
"The icecream van music. God said, If we hear it for too long, we'll turn into dead people!"
"No.. just dead people. We'll die. The icecream van music will kill us."

Ok, I'd had enough at this point, and the more this nut-case said the word 'icecream', the more I yearned for some.
"Ok, thank you. I have to go now."
I waved a goodbye and headed off down the street.
But I was not alone for long. The guy from next door was following me, doing this creepy walk. 'Patter' 'patter', light footed, like a cartoon burglar. Plus, more people starting drifting out of their homes and walking beside me.
I stopped and turned around. I was feeling rather scared really, what if they were part of some kids knife gang? Did they exist? Probably. My mind flashed back to when the Seventh Doctor got shot by some adults in the Doctor Who Movie. Then it occured to me how irrelevent that was ... not knives... guns.. not kids.. adults...
"Excuse me, you guys ok?" I asked them. There was about 10 I could count. Including one small child with her mother.
They all glared at me with worried faces. Maybe they were worried that they were all going to stab me?
"YOU HAVE TO GO IN YOUR HOUSE NATHAN!" It was the mother that shouted at me.
"YES! RETURN HOME CHAP!" This was a wonderfully posh man with a top hat and a cane. But not in any weird way. He was just trying to be real cool. But I'd seen him out and about at gigs and art gallerys, he just could never find a place to settle. So OF COURSE he'd join the mum and new zealand guy in this ubsurd little street group they'd set up. Groupaholic!
"Ok, I don't know what you guys all want. But all I WANT... IS ICECREAM!"
The kid giggled and asked, "What flavour, mister?"
"Not sure yet, cookies and cream? Mint choc chip? Plain ol chocolate? Maybe even toffee!"
The mother tripped up the child so it landed flat on it's face. "DON'T YOU TALK TO THE NICE MAN!" The mother shouted at the girl, spit spiraling out of her mouth. "I LOVE YOU CHILD, BUT YOU ARE NOT WORTHY."

This struck a nerve for me, for one, what she said made no sense and for two, you should not trip over your own child in most circumstances. "Hey! Don't do that!" was the only thing that came out of my mouth.
"I'm sorry 'Nathan, of CrayBlock'. I will never trip over my daughter again. For you." The woman pleaded on her knees.
"For HER you mean! And don't do that, you'll hurt your knees. The road is real bumpy and hard. Anyway. I appreciate all of this weird, I mean.. nice supportive stuff you keep saying to me but I really must be off."
I waved at the woman, the posh chap and smiled awkwardly at the New Zealand man. His nod was mechanical.

Of course the moment I turned around, a new face was in my face. A wrinkly old face, a wise woman's face. Or at least she sounded wise by the way she spoke. But I'm pretty sure dumb people
can have wise voices as well.
"Nathan of Crayblock, you must stay in your house. Away from the sound. God said you are the only one that can save us from this musical virus."
I sighed.. in my mind.
"Ok, Woman of ... the dustbin. What on earth is CRAYBLOCK? And if this icecream van music is SO BAD then why are none of YOU in your houses keeping safe?"

The wise woman nodded and with a calming notion, waved her hand toward the other folk. "Lord Nathan of Crayblock is correct. It is foolish of us to all risk our lives trying to save his. Especially with the child."
The mother just laughed.
The wise woman continued, "I want everyone to return to their homes while I remain."
And with that, 9 out of 10 neighbourhood nobodies left me and went back to their stupid homes and left me a blummin lone! Just that wise woman left then.

"Hey, thanks for that. I owe you one, how did you get all of them to leave anyway?".
"I am the owner at the community hall. I suppose they are just used to me talking for them at the podium. Haha, I moan a lot you know. About pot holes and people wearing offensive clothing in the town. It's all very offensive to me."
"Oh ok. Well thanks again, I'll be on my way now to the shop."
"I'm sorry Nathan of Crayblock, but that is impossible. You MUST return home. You've most likely already heard the icecream van music too much. If you do not return NOW, YOU WILL DIE."

And then I noticed the most horrible, annoying thing I could ever have noticed.... the sun had gone down. And you remember that thing I said about my eyesight? Yeah. I was stuck with a weird old woman with no real idea of how to get to the shop. My surroundings had become a blurred palette of colour. I was blind... mostly. Something about the night time just doesn't agree with my eyes.

"Ok... well, I've missed my chance to get to the shop now. So.. Great. Thanks. I Guess.. Damn it, I guess I'll just have to go home. I'll have nightmares and.. and I'll hate you and I'll hate myself and all I wanted was icecream and you took it away from me. I hope you feel happy old woman. I hope you, and your little neighbourhood pals all feel real proud of themselves. GOOD BYE!"

So I turned away in a huff, went home and slammed the blummin door behind me. WHAT A NIGHT.

So anyway, when I woke up in the morning God was on my sofa.
"Oh.. hey God."
"So you really appeared?"
"Why are you on my sofa, God?"
"You don't know? Do you not even read the news?"
"Not really. Sometimes I'll read headlines. But the news is way depressing."
"That's true. Not my fault though." God shifted in the chair.
"I'm glad you cleared that up."

By the way, don't leave a comment on this post asking if God was a man or a woman ok? I have no idea what God was. What I saw on the sofa was a glowing feeling of power and the voice seemed to be my own minds voice with an echo effect added in audacity.
God smiled at me and then frowned, and then smiled. It was all very confusing. "So you left an old woman to die last night, Nathan."
"That old woman, you kept her outside so long the icecream van's music ripped her ears out, She's outside, no one has cleaned it up yet."
"That's horrible.....I.. feel so responsible."
"All because you don't read the news, Nathan." And that was the moment I got told by God.

"Ok, so what was all this about you on the news then? Why are you back? What's this stupid icecream van nonsense??"

God asked me to sit down so I could settle in for a rollercoaster of a story. But it ended up being pretty short actually.
God spoke, "Satan now owns all of the icecream vans in the world. His icecream van music will kill anyone that hears it for too long. You almost died last night. Which would have been a great tragedy because Nathan, you are The One."
"Like Keanu Reeves?"
"No, Nathan of Crayblock. You are Nathan of Crayblock."
"What does that even mean?"

God was really grumpy that I never read the news. Apparently he had explained everything in a dramatic speech on top of a mountain, everyone was there. He'd contacted all of the worlds media himself!

"Do you even know how many babies Princess Kate has had so far?" God asked me.
"This story is all kinds of sacrilege." (I have no idea which one of us said that line.. possibly because of the mind voice confusion thing.)
"Basically, Nathan. For years now you have been stuck in a whirlwind of Creative Block. Am I right?"
"God yes. I have had so much trouble creating things, animations and such for so long. My drive for it has hit such a dead end. It's been depressing, it's been tough."
"Yeah, wah wah wah. That is because, all of this time. Your creative energy has been building to create one massive explosion that will wipe out all of the icecream vans in the world!"
"That sounds horrible, why would I want to destroy icecream vans?"
"Because Satan is in all of them."
"Oh man...But I love icecream. And although the icecream in icecream vans is always a bit disappointing, I would never want to destory them all."

I had a dilemma on my hands. Losing icecream vans, or everyone dies forever and Hell rises to Earth.. Hmm

"So, if I do this... If I use this Creative Block power, will I finally get my creative surge back? Will I be able to jump right back into doing what I always loved for so so long?"
God said "NO."

And I decided to save the world anyway, because that's the kind of guy I am. I mean, no more icecream vans and still no creativity but hey. people are alive. Annoying people like that guy in the house behind me with that weird laugh. And that wannabe posh guy and that mum that trips over her kid. Yeah, lots of annoying and horrible people are still alive because of me. And Donald Trump is gonna be president.

Maybe I should have just let the world die with Satan.. uh..

Oh and if you were wondering. The Creative Block mind explosion felt exactly like a brain freeze.

- Nathan

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